


Tired and scared

by luna_dd



Series: Love and respect [4]
Category: DAKAICHI (Anime), 抱かれたい男1位に脅されています。 | Dakaretai Otoko Ichii ni Odosarete Imasu (Manga)
Genre: (not that it's important lol), Break Up, Depression, Emotional Manipulation, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Manipulation, Mentions of Rape, Mild Sexual Content, Omg and they were quarantined, Toxic Relationship, Unhealthy Relationships, actually just once, but it hits heavily, but we don't name it, i was literally crying while writing certain parts, the therapist now has a name!, the word "rape" is used a lot, this shit gets uncomfortable, yup it finally happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 00:22:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29909322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luna_dd/pseuds/luna_dd
Summary: Takato clenched his jaws and balled his hands into fists.  The outburst of anger gave him a clarity he lacked for months and suddenly he realised that the question of “should I break up with him?” morphed into a “I should break up with him but I’m scared of being alone” a long time ago but he was too deep into his own despair to realise that.“Is this what love is to you?” He asked, forcing himself to look Junta in the eye. The other man seemed confused, clearly not understanding what stood behind Takato’s sudden change of attitude.“What do you...?” He started but Takato cut in, not giving him a chance to finish the sentence.“I want to break up with you. This time for real.”
Relationships: Azumaya Junta/Saijou Takato
Series: Love and respect [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1678954
Comments: 9
Kudos: 17





	Tired and scared

**Author's Note:**

> It only took nine months lol  
> God bless @mefistofeleswassupidk for helping me to go through countless drafts to help me choose what would hurt the most, while remaining realistic ofc (this final draft was named as 101th because i was so done)  
> this takes place directly after the previous part and hits hard. I was literally crying while writing some of Junta's dialogues.

  
  


Takato was painfully aware of Junta laying behind his back and every move coming from the man would alert him and chase away the sleep he desperately needed. He only managed to fall asleep after the sunrise, when Junta climbed out of their bed and went further into their apartment.

It was around noon when Taktato finally scrambled out of the bed. Still rubbing his eyes, he picked a pair of sweatpants from the drawer and headed to the bathroom, locking the door reflexively. The mirror there greeted him with a reflection of his dull complexion and bags under his eyes, so turning his gaze down Takato splashed his face with cold water and reached for the skin care products sitting neatly on the shelf.

Properly moisturised, Takato unlocked the door and made his way to the kitchen where he found Junta by the counter, flipping pancakes and humming along with the radio.

Something in Takato’s chest tightened at the sight and his shoulders slouched but he still forced himself to put one foot in front of another until he could press himself against Junta’s back, resting his forehead between his shoulder blades. He snuck his arms around Junta’s waist, clasping them on his lover’s stomach. 

They stood like that for a few minutes in silence. Takato could feel the muscles moving underneath him as Junta removed pancakes from the pan onto a previously prepared plate on his right and poured more batter to make another batch. 

Junta was strong, everyone could see the muscles on his frame but Takato was probably the only one who knew how well he could use them. How easy it was for him to manhandle a grown up man in the bed. How easy it was for him to catch Takato every time he tried to run. The last thought made him hug Junta’s middle tighter.

Eventually the man turned off the stove and placed his left palm on Takato’s clasped fingers, untangling them so he could turn around and face his lover. 

“Did you sleep well?” He asked, already knowing the answer from the tired expression on Takato’s face but the silent head shake broke his heart. “Me neither.” Junta reached to pet Takato’s cheek, brushing his thumb against the dark circle under the eye.

“Can I touch you?” 

Takato didn’t move when Junta cupped his jaw with one hand without waiting for his reply, while the other sneaked behind him and under the sweater he slept in and didn’t bother to change. He didn’t want it but he was too tired to resist. 

The kiss made his insides twist but he still parted his lips in a fixed response. Junta loved him and Takato couldn’t deny that there was a part of him that thrived being in His centre of attention. If he ever managed to bring up the breakup Takato couldn’t tell if he was more scared of Junta not respecting his decision or of Junta actually listening to him for once and leaving him _alone_.

It was the desire for other people’s love and appreciation that made him continue in the entertainment business for twenty years now. Because being loved as an actor made him forget how insecure and anxious he really was. And being loved by Junta as _Takato-san_ made him feel like he was finally somehow _good enough_. 

But he was tired. Seeing his reflection in the mirror less than an hour ago made him realise just how tired he was, hanging on a single thread of toxic love for God knows how long now.

“I made you breakfast,” said Junta when he pulled away

"I'm not hungry."

"Just a little bit," he insisted, guiding Takato to sit by the kitchen table and planted a plate in front of him soon after. Seeing that his lover made no move for the food, he grabbed the fork and cut off a small piece of pancake and brought it up to Takato’s mouth. “Here.”

Takato pursed his lips but seeing the look on Junta’s face he took the fork from his hand and started eating. He made it through half of the pancakes before putting the utensil down, maybe under other circumstances he would eat the entire thing but Junta watching his every move was… uncomfortable.

Suddenly he started missing his old apartment where he would eat his meals in front of the TV. Alone. Undisturbed. Safe.

“I was thinking, we could go for a walk after you eat.” Junta rested his head on one hand, propped on his elbow on the table top and looked at Takato with a smile. “The weather is nice.”

Takato lowered his gaze, unable to meet his bright eyes. The walk _did_ sound nice, they rarely went out lately, but it also meant a possibility of being seen by other people and he didn’t feel strong enough to pretend that he’s fine in front of anyone. “No. I’m fine.” he shook his head.

"Are you sure? I thought it would help you relax a little bit."

"I'm sure. Let's not." Takato absentmindedly rubbed at the side of his neck.

Junta picked up the movement and shifted closer in his chair to cover Takato's hand with his own.

"Are you embarrassed because of them?" Junta pressed their joined fingers to one of the many hickeys decorating Takato's skin there. 

The touch made Takto realise that while it might not have been the main reason for his reluctance, he would die if anyone saw the markings on his neck. The only reason he let Junta finally have his way with this was because he thought no one would see the proof of how weak Takato has become against this man. 

“That’s not...” he started to protest but his voice was small. It has been like that for some time now whenever he wanted to speak against something Junta did.

“We could try to cover them,” Junta suggested, “but to be honest I wouldn’t mind for everyone to know that you are mine.” He moved his hand higher, cupping Takato’s jaw and turning it slightly to face him. Their eyes met and seeing how _amused_ Junta was by the idea made Takato’s blood run faster.

“I would mind.” His voice was stronger than before.

“I thought you’re not embarrassed.”

“That’s not the point.” 

“Don’t you want people to look at you and know that the second most desirable man...”

“Hey, stop it.”

“...is being held by someone at night?”

Junta started leaning forward, closing the distance between them. The events that kept repeating itself since they moved in together started flashing before Takato’s eyes. Junta leaning in for a kiss ending in a makeout session. Junta grabbing his body and manhandling him into a more accessible position. Junta discarding their clothes and violating his body.

“I told you to stop!” Takato raised his voice and slapped away Junta’s hand. The other man straightened in his seat and his eyes grew wide. “I'm not your property so stop treating me like one.”

A silence fell between them. It felt heavy, suffocating. Takato’s chest heaved when he glued his eyes to the table and tensed up, ready to run, straining his ears to pick up any sign of movement on Junta’s side. 

“What are you talking about, Takato-san? I love you. I would never think of you as about my property.”

Takato clenched his jaws and balled his hands into fists. The outburst of anger gave him a clarity he lacked for months and suddenly he realised that the question of “ _should I break up with him?”_ morphed into a _“I should break up with him_ _but I’m scared of being alone”_ a long time ago but he was too deep into his own despair to realise that.

“Is this what love is to you?” He asked, forcing himself to look Junta in the eye. The other man seemed confused, clearly not understanding what stood behind Takato’s sudden change of attitude. 

**“** What do you...?” He started but Takato cut in, not giving him a chance to finish the sentence.

“I want to break up with you. This time for real.” 

“Don’t joke about it.”

“I’m serious. I’m done.” Takato pushed himself up and made a step away from his lover.

“Takato-san!” Junta exclaimed and stood up abruptly to grab the older man's hand and stop him. The chair he sat in fell back with a thud. “Please.”

“You raped me.” His mouth went dry from saying the dreaded word out loud. He didn’t even dare to think it since Sasaki brushed him off. “Do you know how many times… how many times I had said _no_ and you completely ignored me? Because I’ve lost count.”

“Takato-san…” Junta closed the distance between them and brought Takato’s hand to his face, nuzzling into it. 

“You have no idea how painful...” Takato pulled his hand free and took a few steps back until his back touched the kitchen counter. The anger was slowly leaving his body, being replaced with a heavy weight of everything that happened since their first night together. “You are… You took my title, you took my virginity, you took my sanity, you made me flinch whenever someone touches me. After Ayagi.. I was so scared… and you…” He hid his face in his hands, catching hot tears that started leaking from his eyes. A big hand landed on his shoulder and moved up to the side of his neck. Junta was once again right in front of him, this time trapping him between the countertop and his own body.

“I didn’t force you to do anything you didn’t want. Besides we both know that even when you ask me to stop you don’t mean it. Your mouth speaks _no_ but your body is squirming with pleasure.” He took Takato’s hands away from his face and wiped the tears off his cheeks. “I love you like that.”

“I love you too.” Takato’s mouth answered before his brain managed to keep them shut. He bowed his head shamefully.

“Then what makes you want to break up with me?” Junta’s arms circled around his shoulders, keeping him close and safe. Fingers of one hand quickly found their way to the side of Takato’s head to brush his hair in a comforting manner.

“You destroyed me.” Takato hiccuped and, against his better judgement, pressed himself against the man who was the reason for the state he was in. “You used me, that’s not healthy. Sato-sensei said…”

Junta’s hand in his hair stopped for a second before reasumming. 

“Sato-sensei is your therapist, right? Let me guess they’re a man.” The slight nod Takato gave in response was everything he needed to know. Junta hummed acknowledgingly. “I see. So you told him about us. Tell me, did it excite you?”

Takato snapped his head up, not understanding where did such a question come from. The look on Junta’s face was completely unreadable.

“Did it excite you to tell another man about the things we do? To tell him about how I hold you? Did you get into the details? Have you told him about how many fingers you can take and how many times I can make you cum before you pass out?”

His hands started making their way down Takato’s back. He grabbed firmly at his waist with one hand, while the other slid to the front of Takato’s sweatpants. The older actor yelped when Junta started palming his crotch.

“I’m sure he imagined everything that you told him, wishing it was him. I bet he wondered what kind of face you would make if he pinned you down and started touching you. But I am the only one who gets to hold you, Takato-san. Never forget that” The last words he whispered directly to Takato’s ear before sucking at his earlobe. 

Takato didn’t register whatever happened next. He screwed his eyes shut and swallowed yet another _no_ that wanted to leave his mouth. It was easier to stay quiet than to suffer through another one of his protests falling on deaf ears. 

When it was over he ignored Junta watching him with a lazy smile from the bed where they ended up and started picking up his clothes from the floor. His lover didn’t react when he pocketed his phone and reached for the set of keys from the bedside table’s drawer. He did however prop himself on the elbow when Takato started filling a duffle bag with random clothes from the dresser.

“What are you doing?” he asked, brows knitting together when Takato had thrown the bag over his shoulder.

“I’m leaving.” The blond threw the covers away and made it on his feet but Takato was already halfway through their apartment, on his way to the exit.

“Takato-san, come back here.” He asked.

“No. I’m done. We’re done.”

“If you walk through that door I won’t chase after you.”

“And if I stay you’re gonna hate fuck me? We’ve been through that.” 

Saijou Takato slammed the door behind him.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for you patience, this is not the end, i still have one part planned (with my amazing writing pace of this series it will probably be posted at the end of covid pandemic in Poland) (we're not handling the situation very well) (lol)  
> Junta in this part is an embodiment of what you should never do or say.


End file.
